I can't wait for next semester. I can't wait to go to Florida with Ty to see my dad. I can't wait for Wednesday when my sister comes up with my mom to take me home for Thanksgiving. I have so many things to look forward to right now, and I love it.

I spent the night back in my old town (for the lols) at Sterner's and it was quite a ride. Brandon's leaving for West Virginia for a few years, and I got the honors of walking across town with him and Johnny to stand together at the Warehouse one last time - where Justin died. The candle wax from the vigil, a year ago, was still there on the sidewalk.

I was very quiet. I didn't have much to say, and Brandon has grown so different, that I feel like the only reason that we're friends today is because of our long past together. If I met him the way he is now, I don't think we'd get along as well.

I'm excited for him to get his life going, and I hope he doesn't come back until he's happy.

Then I stayed up until 7am talking to Johnny.. about everything. About books, about the human mind, about the Scientologists' 9-Dimension theory, about ourselves. I played with his hair absently as we talked about how people think. It was a very stimulating and fun conversation. And I didn't talk as much, I like to listen and understand and analyze much more.

He told me that I was.. sad. On the inside. That I put up a front that's very different from the normal front. Someone builds a wall so that other people can't get in, can't get in to hurt them, or to really know who they are. And the usual front, is a stoic, stone face. But when you're always smiling, people assume you're always happy, they don't ask questions. And that's.. what I do. I guess I never realized it. I smile through everything. Don't get me wrong, smiling is the easiest thing that comes for me, it's not fake. But he was right. I'm not a happy-go-lucky person anymore, and it's probably because I'm not as ignorant. I think more. And I'd rather be like this, than be blissfully unawares of pain, sadness, and heartache. I like knowing. And I like being strong enough to deal with things.

It was a good time.

When I woke up, everyone was either sleeping or gone to work. So I walked. It was a gloomy, grey day. But, in some way, it was beautiful to me. So I walked. And walked. For hours. Familiarizing myself with the city I never got to know.

At Ryan's house later, he showed me a big cup full of all the notes I had written him, folded up, from 2006. I can't believe how much I used to draw, and how creative I used to be. It's like.. I don't know where that all went.

I've changed a lot over the past few years, and I'm glad.

Love always. <3